All my life I have been drawn to adoption. We were a foster family when I was in high school to a friend of my brothers. M came to live with us and it was cool having a friend become a "brother". He was welcomed into our home and became a part of the family. He had a home for the time he needed us.
When I moved from my hometown to work in ministry, I worked with kids who had either been in foster care or were living in homes that were being monitored by the local social services agency(and for good reason). These kids were wonderful kids, were extremely smart and quite frankly had learned to "survive" their circumstances despite the chaos in the home and in our neighborhood. I admired them. They are now adults and are doing fairly well. Some of them have stayed in the same family pattern and some have done new and better things for themselves.
When I met my husband, I found out that his sister had been adopted internationally. My husbands parents chose to adopt her and give her a permanent family and home. They raised her well. She is a beautiful woman now and doing well. His parents worked very hard to embrace her and they don't even think twice about whether she is adopted or not. I admired that.
Hubby and I both agreed when we were dating that we felt called to adopt. He, probably from his family experience of adoption and me, from my family experience of chaos(another post for the future). But mostly, we felt called "out of our faith" to adopt one day(James 1:27). We both married later in life and tried getting pregnant with little result(two early miscarriages and lots of fertility drugs). It just wasn't happening.We took that as a sign to proceed with adopting a child. We looked at international and just didn't feel at peace...some of that was because of our strong passion for US missions, I think. We felt that there were a lot of children who needed homes here in the US and to be honest, it was less expensive. So, we signed up for the 30 hour training you have to take with the state(it is SUPERB by the way-I think even international adopters should take it)and searched our souls and hearts and began to pray for a match. We got approved and even complimented by our social worker. By the time she was through with us, she told us that if anything ever happened to her and her hubby, she would want us to be her kids adoptive parents. We got really puffed up over that statement! We "knew" that if we just "loved" our children enough...it would be okay and they would turn out beautifully in the eyes of the world.God has a way of humbling folks and we were definitely humbled from the first day of our sons coming to live with us! ha!
After about a year of waiting, we got information for this little 9 yr old squirt who was labeled as "all boy" and boy was he!! J came into our lives through foster to adopt and we instantly fell in love. He did too! He was loving and tender-hearted. He had some health/behavioral issues and it was VERY hard the first few years but we made it with a lot of support from our "village" and lots of prayer! He was diagnosed early with Asperger's Syndrome, some Fetal Alcohol/drug exposure and other chronic health issues. After a lot of support and care, he has grown into a fine young man and though he has chronic health issues, he has blossomed into a wonderful young man and has almost made it through his tough teen years(he turns 19 in June). He loves the Lord, loves people and wants to serve anytime he gets the opportunity! He will struggle some in his life but is very motivated to be the best he can be.I love the fact that every day he bounces out of bed with a smile on his face ready to hit the ground running! He is extremely forgiving of our "almost always" parenting mistakes and truly shows God love and forgiveness to those who wrong him. What a testimony and teacher to hubby and I!
When J was in 5th grade and we had just moved to our current city, we met his only friend at school. S, age 11,would join us for lunch when we visited J at school. He was smart, cute and funny but seemed sad most of the time. S was very shy and actually, we think J helped him out of his shell in many ways. He told us how his mom was sick all the time and he was in foster care until she got better. After Christmas, he disappeared. J was devastated. We searched and asked around and no one knew where he was. We finally found him and connected with him. His mom had committed suicide right after the holidays that year and left him, literally, as an orphan. At that time, the foster mom was having health problems and she asked us if we would be S's foster parents. We agreed. He came to live with us and for the first 2 years, it was really good. We all seemed to mess. He was quirky and smart and communicated some "entitlement" but we just chalked it up as adjustment and the fact he had taken care of his birth mom most of his childhood. He would "grow out of it", we were told by the experts and quite frankly believed it ourselves.
We knew he had had a very tough life. He had "survived" the hell he grew up in and like any parents, "we" had great plans for his future. He was getting decent grades and teachers were telling us that he would go far and that they loved having him in their classroom.We were beaming! He didn't seem to have too many physical health issues other than being really skinny! We started fattening him up and giving him consistency and it seemed to be working. Everyone was amazed at the change. Yes, we had some bumps. Yes, we had to help him adjust to rules and boundaries and yes, he was a kid who felt entitled. We kept thinking if we just kept being consistent all that would change...after all...all the experts told us that! We ALL believed that S was capable of becoming a young man that society and his parents would be proud of. Hubby and I had visions of college and doctoral degrees and him taking care of us when we were old. We formally adopted him 2 years after he came to live with us and all of us were overjoyed. We were "complete". We had two boys who got along with each other for the most part and we had grown to love them both as if they had been our biological children.
Then, puberty happened for S. We began seeing little things like hiding cell phones or trinkets under his bed. He would sneak food out of the kitchen in the middle of the night and hide it in random places.(One day the dog kept sniffing some cabinets in the dining room and when I opened it, a glass of milk that had curdled was in there). He had started lying and throwing tantrums that would beat out any 3 year old I had ever known(S was 15 by then). He would hurl himself down on the floor and scream bloody murder if he didn't get what he wanted. It freaked us all out when it happened and we sought more help. For two years this went on. We tried every technique out there under the guidance of our therapists, psychiatrist and others. We had him evaluated at some of the best facilities we have in AL. We were all pretty baffled that he was not responding to anything for any length of time. It was getting worse. I started to dread waking up in the mornings and wondering what the day would be like. All three of us(hubby, J and I) started having some serious health problems. The stress was greater than we had ever experienced. We had all of our friends praying and bombarding them sometimes with up to the minute updates and crying out for prayer. S finally did the unthinkable in our house and hit me. He was mad that I had taken away a calculator so he jumped me and tried to take it away. We called the police, had him arrested and after a few hours, they sent him home. He continued acting out through the Fall of 2012 and we just couldn't take much more. We were locking our bedroom doors from the inside at night to keep him from stealing everything we owned. He ran away. He cussed and spit at us if anything didn't go his way. And the "crazy" part....he wasn't selling theses things to get drugs or alcohol. He was stealing money to go to the store and buy donuts or to the thrift store to buy cheap toys or MP3 players. He would give his lunch money away to buy a stolen cell phone at school.He even got thrown out of the IT Academy at his school for stealing and lying. NO consequence seemed to be working.
Along with all this, S continued to be very naive and gullible. He has an innocent heart, much like that of a young child. Along with his high intellect, he was extremely trusting of strangers, but not any of his family. Once, he accepted a cell phone from a strange older man at a dollar store. We knew then it had gotten really serious and he was trying new ways to get what he wanted. We knew that if the price were right, he would do ANYTHING to get what he wanted. He was a walking target for predators.
In November of 2012, we were advised to take him to a treatment facility and we found one in North Alabama that seemed to understand kids with his issues. We agreed that it was time to do something bigger. It both broke our hearts and healed our family at the same time. This was the first real time that I understood the many parents I had prayed with over the years who had wayward kids. It was very hard and yet the stress was lifted the moment we left the facility. There were mixed reactions from family and friends to our taking our son to treatment but we knew for him and the whole family's sake, we had to do it.
So, what about now? For the last 6 months, S has been having to learn to make good choices, control his impulses and addiction to electronics....yes, a real addiction.He has been observed 24/7 by some very compassionate people whom we have entrusted him to for now. They truly care about S and we are so grateful. The family has been able to rest, renew and relax. S is making some progress but we have all come to the conclusion that S will have some lifelong problems. S has Asperger's Syndrome and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome complicated by the trauma from his childhood(REALLY BAD TRAUMA).
We understand that his brain has not finished growing and he may end up surprising us all but this is what will happen based on their experience. He does and will struggle with managing himself and making good choices. He will need supportive services always. He will probably not be able to hold a job very long. He will most likely have multiple relationships and we might even be grandparents without the benefit of a wedding! Our goals for our son have had to change. It won't be to graduate from college and be in a successful job but to help him stay out of jail. We have had to let go of "our" dreams for him and embrace the reality of what is. We have had to realize that some may not embrace S because they don't understand Autism or FAS or abuse. We will be his caretakers or oversee-ers the rest of our life. We are coming to terms with that. It breaks our hearts that this precious boy's future was set early in his life because others made choices that affected him greatly.
Our oldest son asks us a lot...will S ever change? Will he ever be back to the way he was when he was younger. ( S had started stealing from J after he had his way with us). We have to tell him that we don't know. And we don't. We are Christ Followers. We believe in healing. We know the Lord has plans for S and we know that He can speak to S in a way that he can comprehend. But, we also know that in order to be at peace, we must embrace what is real today. We have to work with it instead of against it.
Several people have asked...would you do it all over again? Would we? Well, we can't say. We know that it is important for S to have a family no matter what choices he makes in life. We know that we love him as if we had birthed him and would never abandon him. We know that he is a precious gift from God to this world and we are going to do our best to help him have the most fulfilling life he can.
He is not going to be that child you brag about the way others do. But we will continue to brag on things like this:
*At our last visit with him, we were discussing some heavy issues with him and in that moment, he had the opportunity to have a grand mal tantrum or hurt himself. He chose to calm himself down and listen to what we had to say.(That is a HUGE deal and if you have a special child like we do......you know how significant that is).
*We will rejoice that for today, he is doing well in school. His intellect was not affected but his processing of that information was. He can do very well in school when he puts his mind to it and has structure.
*We will rejoice that S can count on us to be his family no matter what.
*We will hold on to the promise that the Lord has plans for him and can speak to S in a way he understands.
I was reading the Bible one day and found these verses and thought of my son who is struggling from all kinds of wounds his family of origin inflicted on him.
Jeremiah 30:16-17 the Message
“‘Everyone who hurt you will be hurt;
your enemies will end up as slaves.....
As for you, I’ll come with healing,
curing the incurable because they all gave up on you
and dismissed you as hopeless..."
This is how I am going to choose to look at it. If God decides to heal our son now, on this earth, then He will and we will rejoice and dance and shout! However, it may not be until S gets to heaven and is completely free of all the sadness and pain his life has been about. (Revelations 21) I am going to trust the Lord to get us through this parenting thing even with the pain. And if heaven is the place he is healed, then we will rejoice then too!
Should you adopt after hearing this story?.....maybe, maybe not. What you should do is carefully think and pray over it. Every child is different. Every child-----whether domestic or international, whether a baby or older child-----comes with baggage. Some with the size of overnight bags, some the size of trunks!
We had two situations...one that has come very far in his healing and one that is slowly getting there. One that has a lower IQ but will most likely succeed in life, in his own way. One that has a high IQ and needs constant support. As parents, we are committed, though, to walking beside our boys no matter what and sometimes having to make very difficult decisions along the way.
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