Suffering

"Hear my prayer, O LORD! Listen to my cries for help! Don't ignore my tears".
Psalm 39:12

 

A lot of people are suffering deeply right now including our family.  Here is a very good blog post from a pastor friend who helps put things in perspective.  

Hope it encourages you....it did me! 

http://www.downshoredrift.com/downshoredrift/2012/10/what-do-we-mean-when-we-say-god-is-in-control.html

Fighting the Fear

"You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need."  Vernon Howard

I heard a speaker the other day talking about how one of the biggest stronghold's in his life was fear. I don't  think he is alone. I think we all struggle with it to some degree. I have struggled with it all of my life. It is pretty easy to see where mine started. My parents split up and my dad split. My mom raised 4 kids alone and though she made many mistakes, she was overall a good mother. She stuck with us and I have to say that I attribute that one thing to keeping me sane from all the fear I have had over the years.

BUT..she passed on fear to me..fear of not meeting bills, fear of being alone the rest of her life, fear of losing her job, fear and wondering of how she was going to provide for all of us. On top of her kids, her brother came to live with us. My uncle had a traumatic brain injury so he wasn't always dependable so she was always FEARFUL of provision. She was not a Christian. She didn't know any better.

Then, I met Jesus at age 12. Yes, ALL those fears were before the age of 12. I was a fear-centered child.

So.....after many years of being fearful, I laid down all those fears:
fear of being alone
fear of not being provided for
fear of not having things 
fear of being rejected by boys
fear of someone breaking into our house at night
fear of not having enough when crisis struck
fear of the unknown
fear of well...almost everything that had to do with  my well being! Really...very self centered. 


After 12, God of course, knew that was my stronghold but he gently, over the years, helped me with struggles. He helped me conquer a lot of fears by throwing me "out there" on my own during and after college so that I HAD to depend on Him for Provision. Boy did I struggle...because that fear turned into jealousy!

Jealous of what others had
Jealous of what I didn't have
Jealous of how it seemed things were so easy for others
Jealous that I had to work to pay my way through college
Jealous that the girls I was friends with kept getting the boys I wanted

I realized when I moved to NYC that those two strongholds were...well...very strong and had a a HUGE hold on my heart.  When I moved to NYC, I remember asking the Lord to take the fear and jealousy away. In fact, my boss and friend reminded me that I had "chosen" my lifestyle and that I had to either live with it or change it.(so many other things were going that year). What he was telling me that if I was going to live a simple life and not be cluttered with "things", then I needed to be content with it or change it. I CHOSE IT!

I chose a SIMPLE  missionary life
I chose to not go to seminary
I chose not to marry (I broke up with the guy I dated to go to NYC)this certain guy
I chose....
I chose....
I chose.....

 I CHOSE.....

Fear and Jealousy....I CHOSE. 

I had that epiphany. I CHOSE to live in FEAR and JEALOUSY!  No one forced me. God didn't take things away from me.. I CHOSE. 

So, I knew that IF I were to move on not only in life, but my spiritual growth, I had to let go of the FEAR and JEALOUSY that had become a familiar best friend. One that I could always count on to "step up" for me when I needed an excuse or blame for my thoughts and feelings.  I could always cry out and say "this is NOT fair!!"  and blame God or others or my circumstances.

WHEW....

So, in 1987 ish...I began the process of letting go of fear and jealousy! Over the years, I have seen the Lord move in mighty ways in my life. SO 25 years later in 2012 , though those thoughts CREEP back into my mind every so often, I see that they are becoming less and less and I TRUST more and more. I actually recognize the FEAR when it comes up and more than not, I put it to bed! RIGHT THEN!
 My two best friends now are TRUST and CONTENTMENT. I have learned and seen that GOD IS MY PROVIDER and I CAN TRUST HIM for my every need. I am CONTENT with the lifestyle we LIVE because our boys needs are MORE IMPORTANT than THINGS. I would rather spend my money on OTHERS than myself. Even if our boys didn't have these medical needs, our money would go to help others instead of helping ourselves.

I can HONESTLY say that. I AM CONTENT. I HAVE TRUST. 

FEAR and JEALOUSY keep knocking on the door of my heart, but I just have to say goodbye to them OVER AND OVER AGAIN until they leave. They are not coming around much anymore and I look forward to the day when the don't come AT ALL!

Hebrews 13:5
Let your character be free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,"

Recovering What Was Taken........

"David recovered what the Amalekites had taken from him...." I Samuel 30:18

       I went to hear Jim Cymbala last night. If you have been in hiding for the last 25 years or so, Jim is the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Church in New York and has written many books on the Christian church. He encourages Christians to remember that the Holy Spirit is in them and that we have God's power in us to overcome the things we are struggle with. I admire his teaching because he is simple and to the point. Last night was no different. I was at a banquet for Harvest Ministries in Opelika, AL. They minister to men and women who are in some form of bondage including addictions. There were several testimonies of healing in people's live, the residents did a great presentation of the Cardboard testimony and the challenge was great. TELL THE GOOD NEWS to those who are struggling and God can restore that which was taken. 

(See this example of a Cardboard testimony..very powerful. http://youtu.be/JnKkw5F8drc)

Anyway, these verses got me to thinking about how God loves us so much that as we come into a personal relationship with Him, He can RESTORE what has been taken from us. He restored David's family and livelihood from the robbers(the Amalekites). He restored many others in the Bible. So...........

                                  He can help us as well. 

 

 I think of our two boys. A LOT was taken from them when they were young...stable parents, healthy living, the right to have a childhood. Even though they did NOT have those things, they CAN be restored and that "life" is being restored through our family. 

I think about the fact that though I did not have a "father" growing up, I found my Heavenly Father at the age of 12 and He brought "many father like figures" to me throughout my life. 

He CAN bring back what has been taken from you. 

When I was in NYC at Graffiti Community Ministries, I knew  A LOT of people who had had their life taken from them from either bad choices they made OR that others made for them and when they invited Jesus into their heart, their lives began to be be restored to wholeness. Was it the same life as before? No! It was a BETTER life...

 Here in Montgomery, I have been working with a woman whose whole life(husband, possessions,etc)was taken away in a flash because of someone else's wrong choices. She is being restored. Is  it the same life as before? No! It is a BETTER life. 

If God can bring back to David, his family and all his possessions that had been stolen, he can bring back what was "taken" from you!  

           I wonder what has been "taken" from you today?

  

 Here are a few verses to encourage you. They bring me HOPE!

Joel 2:25-26 ESV  "I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame".

John 10:10 ESV "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". 

Matthew 11:28 ESV "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest".

Running into Traffic and Becoming Road Kill

On the way to take Son#1  to school today, we had come to a 4 way stop and in the middle of the road was a baby squirrel who was frantically trying to decide what to do. He was so frightened he couldn't move. I stopped(and backed up school traffic-I am sure there were some explicatives in the cars behind me)and got out. Tried to shoe it to the curb and he jumped up on my pants and clung for dear life. I walked him over to the grassy yard let him go and ran back to the car before someone pulled out a pistol! (this is the south you know!)Got back in the car, drove on. Son#1 looked back and told me it was out in the road again..RATS! We rode on to school and I was determined to go back and get him to safety. After dropping Son#1 off I went back to the same spot and there he was still in the road being paralyzed with fear!  Before I could get to him, a bunch of teenagers in a souped up car ran over him flipping him over, but not killing him. They were hooping and hollering(they will be the sociopaths of tomorrow I am sure! That is a whole other blog post)as they drove off. I walked out into the street and he was dragging his injured leg in circles still frantic. I gently picked him up and he was chattering away, frightened and hurt. I laid him by a tree.By the time I got to the tree, he was dying. Probably internal injuries. I was sad for him. I just looked at him and said, " I tried to help you get out of harm's way and you went right back to the place that was harmful to you. I am sorry you didn't accept my help the first time". 

I got back in the car, very sad for him. Then it hit me.....is that the way God feels about us? We ask for help. He sends relief. We don't listen or accept it. We go back out to the danger. We get run over by whatever comes our way. We die physically OR emotionally.

IF that little squirrel had stayed on the grass, he would have been safe. He ran back to the same place of danger. Now he is dead.

 

There is a great proverb that says this: "He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly". (Proverbs 5:23) 

When I got to my office this morning I read this:  "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it". (Hebrews 12:11) 

Lord, help me to trust your guidance and the help that you send. You are my heavenly Father and today, I will trust in you! 

Legacies

This past year, I have taken an interest in my family's past. I have been working on finding out information on the Chilson side of my family and have met some great ancestors along the way! A few have been published, particularly, a fourth great grandfather named Rev. Amos Chesebrough. It is amazing what he has written on some important spiritual issues regarding being a disciple. I am reading some of his books and gleaning from his experience about what I need to be as a minister of the gospel! Because of the beauty of books, I have the privilege of reading his thoughts and learning from my past.

One such relative that he wrote about was William Chesebrough, who was one of the co-founders of Stonington, CT. When William came to America in the early 1600's, he took some bold steps of faith but what stood out to me was this description of him at his death: " And further, it needs only to be added that he was a man of decided Christian principle, and that wherever he planted himself, he was an earnest supporter of following Christ, worship and meeting together as Christians."

 As I have gotten older, I have been wondering what kind of legacy I will leave behind. So, 400 years from now, what will my ancestors be reading about me? It made me proud that a relative long ago, who took a HUGE step of faith would be remembered the way he was.

My hope is that my legacy will be one of service and dedication to my Lord. My prayer is that others will SEE my RELATIONSHIP with Christ and not just DUTY to Christ.

What about you? What will your legacy be 400 years from now?

The Bible has some thoughts on this too! 

Psalm 78:4 ESV

"We will not hide them from their children, but TELL to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done". 

Psalm 78:5-6 ESV 

"He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children".

When Is God Going To Bring Me a Husband?

Before you panic...this is NOT ME!!

Recently, I had a conversation with someone about MARRIAGE.....she is young and wanting to get married so badly. I could feel her pain and angst over Jesus "making" her wait in her eyes.I tried to encourage her by tellng her that I was single for a long time(20 years to be exact)before I found Mr. Right For Me!  She literally gasped and said these words, "God would NEVER make me wait that long, would He?"  Over the years, I have had that response from several single women who were in their late 20's/early 30's and just rolled my eyes. I could have been offended but decided to be mature and not say anything but this time, I said something.

I looked at her and said, "Well that depends. Do you just want to be married OR do you want to marry the one that is best for you? If you want to just be married, you can manipulate that yourself! If you want to wait for God's best, then you have to be content and trust that the Lord you follow has your best interest in mind". She just looked at me with a look of confusion. I went on to explain to her that it is very easy to get married! It takes patience to wait for the right one!

After being married for almost 11 years now, there are quite a few reasons that I am glad I let Jesus lead the way and not myself.  Here are just FIVE of them!

1. I HAD the opportunity to get  married before and could have manipulated  my way into marriage. But, it just didn't feel right and there were red flags all over the place. Often, as women, we ignore those "red flags" and go through with it just to be married. In my experience, the people who I know did that, confessed later that they had these gut feelings that it wasn't right  and they ignored them. And they were paying the price.

2. I had so much freedom to serve the Lord. As a Christian, I was able to fully give to Him, my time, my financial resources and my full, undying love. I had fun serving the Lord and being single. It took me to places around the world that I would have never gotten to go.  Though I LOVE my husband and kids, I don't have that freedom anymore to take off to some foreign place or even give 100% here and am constantly torn between ministering to my family and to the people who come my way.

3. The man that I ended up marrying at 40(yes you heard me!)turned out to be just right for me! He is kind, he respects me, he honors me, he believes in me.
                                         I am a better person because of him.

4. Parenting our children together...I don't know if any of the men I knew before could have handled what we have gone through together with our sons medical and emotional issues. My hubby is "just the right man to parent these boys".
5. Most importantly, I met and married my best friend! He and I are "in sync" and though we have had our troubles of adjusting(this is his first marriage as well), we have the maturity now to stick it out and when we fall down..we get right back up...together OR help the other one up. No running away...in fact, in our vows, we made a promise before everyone to never let divorce be an option. We would always work it out. And so far....we are! And we will.

So, single ladies, the next time you think about whining(and I did do my share of it as a younger woman), ask yourself that question....do you just want to be married or do you want to marry the one that is best for you?   Sure it is lonely, sure you have a God-given desire to be married, sure you feel left out sometimes...but your Heavenly Father loves you more than anything. He DESIRES all of you...not just a part. And most of all, He wants the BEST FOR YOU!
So, in all seriousness, take it to the Lord and ask Him to continue to guide you and to help you be content in your current situation. I gaurantee that HE will lead you down the right path and no matter how long you think it might take, it will always be the right timing. TRUST HIM! He can be counted on......

"He who deals wisely and heeds [God's] word and counsel shall find good, and whoever leans on, trusts in, and is confident in the Lord--happy, blessed, and fortunate is he". Proverbs 16:20

Thoughts About Mother's Day

I had a horrible Mothers Day...I have had bad ones for the last 8 years. Why? Because of the "Ghosts of Birthmothers Past", that is why!! Every year, the boys start acting out the few days before and I get sad because my hopes of being loved and showered with adoration are blown EVERY YEAR. Hubby has to take them to get a card and then they just sign their names.(to give them credit though, they do pick out good cards!!!)  Hubby has to coach them to do everything. I sometimes dive into fantasy land wishing for just one Mothers Day where I was the queen and all day they wanted to shower me with affection and kudos for rescuing them and serving them all year long! NOT!!!!

So, this year, along with some other things going on...I had blowout! A real live, childish tantrum..seriously! Hubby thought I had just lost it! I ran away and had a very lonely lunch at Sonic where I poured my heart out to God and cried for over an hour. I went home and took a very long nap. I felt better when I woke up but I knew the damage had been done. My family had been hurt deeply and  for the last 3 days, I have wanted to apologize but I just couldn't. I felt if I did that, son#2, who has attachment problems, would take advantage of my weakness. I was afraid.

Then today, after God had given me sufficient time to wallow in my self pity, he sent me a note through an adoptive mom friend who was also struggling with Mothers Day and it hit the core of my being like a hammer. Two things were brought to mind.

1. God's love is enough for me. Short and simple. John 15:9 My boys are not right now and may never be able to show the love that most mothers receive.
2. "Today is much less about how your love is received than how it is given". I did not show them about giving that day AT ALL! I have to be the bigger person here.I am the one teaching them!!

Ouch!

So, I think I need to go and apologize first to my husband for being so selfish and forgetting that he too is struggling with being a father to these two and then to my sons for my acting less mature that day than they do! And, then show them about asking forgiveness.

Here is an excerpt from my friends email who the Lord used to truly bring me back to who I know I can be!

FROM A FRIEND...Funny how Jesus sends us just what we need to hear!!!!(Henry is one of my favorite authors).....In the homily at St. Michael's, Father Jim recalled the life of the Catholic priest, writer and teacher Henri Nouwen. The name caught my attention immediately as I had read his writings before and knew that he devoted the last years of his life to living and serving in a community of mentally and physically disabled people. Nouwen was serving and giving, yet he felt without love. He felt rejected. And then he had a breakthrough: "God loves me, and God's love is enough". (This sounds so simplistic, but I figure if somebody who taught at Notre Dame, Harvard and Yale could call it a breakthrough, it could be one for me too!) Nouwen connected to the reality that God's love is infinite - enough so that he could give and give and give and still have enough to give more. Just keep connected to that source!

John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."