We are getting ready to pick up S from
treatment this week. He is coming home earlier than we expected because of
financial reasons but in some ways, I think we are all ready. I don't feel too
anxious about him getting back here. I am a little unsure about how he is going
to adjust back and how we can help him do that.
I know there is going to be a LOT of adjustment for all of us as we get everyone back into the same routine. We all have had some anxiety about him coming home based on our experience in the past. We only have past behavior to go on until we see that S is making better decisions. That is going to require trust in the Lord to guide us all through this new phase of healing for our family.
Here is a summary of a few things I have been learning lately:
1. BROKEN TRUST I am learning to be a parent that "trusts but has to verify" things with S at least until we see some consistency. That is hard because I want to believe my own son but he has broken all kinds of trust in our family and he has to start over again. I don't want to be the parent who accuses him unjustly every time I can't find my keys, etc. I like the statement we learned from S's therapist. Trust but Verify. I think it is a great thing for all of us to remember when we have to build trust with someone who may have broken trust with us OR if we have broken trust with others. The offended party has the right to verify all that we say until............ I think that is a healthier way to handle broken trust than to be mean/guarded all the time and angry. This frees me up to trust you...verify what you say and if it matches up with what you say...then YAY! If not, we just continue to have some boundaries with you until...............In our home we are teaching our boys that your actions and words have to match. A good lesson for us all, huh?
2. LOVE, especially parental love, is very hard when your child has hurt the core of the family. I have had to, over the last months, ask the Lord to help me love my son again. To see him the way that God sees him. (When someone has inflicted so much pain on you...and when it is your child, it is hard to admit that you might not feel for him what you would typically feel for your child). That is beginning to happen. Love also means that my job in loving him is to continue to teach him, give him boundaries and steer him down the right path. When he is an adult, he will either choose the path my husband and I teach him or go his own way, but we have the responsibility to teach him the right way to live and love others.
3.HELPLESSNESS Our son's issues have resurfaced old issues of my own(you know the ones you keep buried down because it is easier to not deal with them but you know they affect everything you do!!) One of those issues I have been dealing with is that of feeling helpless. When I was younger, I never really saw how my dad's leaving us affected us, especially my mom. Many times, she would yell at us or do something out of anger that would be outrageous. I always wondered why she was so mad. In my younger years, I, of course, could not comprehend what it felt like to be abandoned by your spouse and be fully in charge of 4 children, ages 4-16....by yourself. It must have been extremely scary and overwhelming! I realized, though, as I worked through my issues with S, that I think she really felt more "helpless" and alone in her battle. When S was out of control and outrageous, my hubby and I both felt helpless on how to help him. We "knew" in our heads that he was acting out of frustration and other very heavy emotions, but we didn't know how to help him. We weren’t MAD or ANGRY at him necessarily (until later). We just didn’t know what to do because even the professionals were baffled at times. I have learned to name that feeling and it has helped me greatly to control my own emotions when I am frustrated or angry with my boys who have such deep wounds and heavy medical issues. I can even say to J (and hopefully S soon) that I am feeling unsure on what this is about, etc, etc and that we can try and work on it together.
4. PARENTING from an ASPERGER'S and OTHER HEALTH NEEDS PERSPECTIVE-Hubby and I are in the midst of trying to figure out how much assistance our boys are needing now that they are older and how much we need to let go. We know every parent deals with this but those who have kids with long term health issues have a GREAT mystery to wade through. J will probably need assistance with a lot of things the rest of his life like will he be living with us or in a community. How do we help him navigate that? When do we step in and when do we let go? S will need A LOT of assistance the rest of his life. His intellect tells him one thing and then that brain damage tells him something else. It will be an uphill battle for him so Russ and I will be always involved in some way with his decision making. It is hard to think about that sometimes. We had dreams of traveling and being free-er but that is not in our plan and we are learning to accept that. A friend and I were talking the other day and since our boys are heading out of the teen years, we have both come to realize this year that it "won't be over" when they graduate from HS. It will just continue for the rest of our lives with new challenges and adventures. Are we ready? I guess we will just plug along, make mistakes, fall down, get up and start again. That is all we can do!
5. A NEW LENS-Because of S’s diagnoses helping us understand what is really going on with him, I feel like the Lord has given me a “new lens” to see him. I am not putting a “label” on S, but quite frankly, because of his diagnoses, everything he did in the past makes sense now. I am able to glean from the knowledge I have from working things through with J. I see him clearly now. I think that will help me to be a better mother to him too. I am hopeful that this will build our relationship up again.
All these things have been swimming in my head for the last 6 months and these little paragraphs about them don’t even do them justice. I don’t have time to write a book so this summary will have to do and if you want to hear more, you can just ask! I will be more than happy to share my thoughts with you.
