Thursday, May 24, 2012

Thoughts About Mother's Day

I had a horrible Mothers Day...I have had bad ones for the last 8 years. Why? Because of the "Ghosts of Birthmothers Past", that is why!! Every year, the boys start acting out the few days before and I get sad because my hopes of being loved and showered with adoration are blown EVERY YEAR. Hubby has to take them to get a card and then they just sign their names.(to give them credit though, they do pick out good cards!!!)  Hubby has to coach them to do everything. I sometimes dive into fantasy land wishing for just one Mothers Day where I was the queen and all day they wanted to shower me with affection and kudos for rescuing them and serving them all year long! NOT!!!!



So, this year, along with some other things going on...I had blowout! A real live, childish tantrum..seriously! Hubby thought I had just lost it! I ran away and had a very lonely lunch at Sonic where I poured my heart out to God and cried for over an hour. I went home and took a very long nap. I felt better when I woke up but I knew the damage had been done. My family had been hurt deeply and  for the last 3 days, I have wanted to apologize but I just couldn't. I felt if I did that, son#2, who has attachment problems, would take advantage of my weakness. I was afraid.

Then today, after God had given me sufficient time to wallow in my self pity, he sent me a note through an adoptive mom friend who was also struggling with Mothers Day and it hit the core of my being like a hammer. Two things were brought to mind.

1. God's love is enough for me. Short and simple. John 15:9 My boys are not right now and may never be able to show the love that most mothers receive.
2. "Today is much less about how your love is received than how it is given". I did not show them about giving that day AT ALL! I have to be the bigger person here.I am the one teaching them!!

Ouch!

So, I think I need to go and apologize first to my husband for being so selfish and forgetting that he too is struggling with being a father to these two and then to my sons for my acting less mature that day than they do! And, then show them about asking forgiveness.

Here is an excerpt from my friends email who the Lord used to truly bring me back to who I know I can be!

FROM A FRIEND...Funny how Jesus sends us just what we need to hear!!!!(Henry is one of my favorite authors).....In the homily at St. Michael's, Father Jim recalled the life of the Catholic priest, writer and teacher Henri Nouwen. The name caught my attention immediately as I had read his writings before and knew that he devoted the last years of his life to living and serving in a community of mentally and physically disabled people. Nouwen was serving and giving, yet he felt without love. He felt rejected. And then he had a breakthrough: "God loves me, and God's love is enough". (This sounds so simplistic, but I figure if somebody who taught at Notre Dame, Harvard and Yale could call it a breakthrough, it could be one for me too!) Nouwen connected to the reality that God's love is infinite - enough so that he could give and give and give and still have enough to give more. Just keep connected to that source!

John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."

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