Fighting the Fear

"You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need."  Vernon Howard

I heard a speaker the other day talking about how one of the biggest stronghold's in his life was fear. I don't  think he is alone. I think we all struggle with it to some degree. I have struggled with it all of my life. It is pretty easy to see where mine started. My parents split up and my dad split. My mom raised 4 kids alone and though she made many mistakes, she was overall a good mother. She stuck with us and I have to say that I attribute that one thing to keeping me sane from all the fear I have had over the years.

BUT..she passed on fear to me..fear of not meeting bills, fear of being alone the rest of her life, fear of losing her job, fear and wondering of how she was going to provide for all of us. On top of her kids, her brother came to live with us. My uncle had a traumatic brain injury so he wasn't always dependable so she was always FEARFUL of provision. She was not a Christian. She didn't know any better.

Then, I met Jesus at age 12. Yes, ALL those fears were before the age of 12. I was a fear-centered child.

So.....after many years of being fearful, I laid down all those fears:
fear of being alone
fear of not being provided for
fear of not having things 
fear of being rejected by boys
fear of someone breaking into our house at night
fear of not having enough when crisis struck
fear of the unknown
fear of well...almost everything that had to do with  my well being! Really...very self centered. 


After 12, God of course, knew that was my stronghold but he gently, over the years, helped me with struggles. He helped me conquer a lot of fears by throwing me "out there" on my own during and after college so that I HAD to depend on Him for Provision. Boy did I struggle...because that fear turned into jealousy!

Jealous of what others had
Jealous of what I didn't have
Jealous of how it seemed things were so easy for others
Jealous that I had to work to pay my way through college
Jealous that the girls I was friends with kept getting the boys I wanted

I realized when I moved to NYC that those two strongholds were...well...very strong and had a a HUGE hold on my heart.  When I moved to NYC, I remember asking the Lord to take the fear and jealousy away. In fact, my boss and friend reminded me that I had "chosen" my lifestyle and that I had to either live with it or change it.(so many other things were going that year). What he was telling me that if I was going to live a simple life and not be cluttered with "things", then I needed to be content with it or change it. I CHOSE IT!

I chose a SIMPLE  missionary life
I chose to not go to seminary
I chose not to marry (I broke up with the guy I dated to go to NYC)this certain guy
I chose....
I chose....
I chose.....

 I CHOSE.....

Fear and Jealousy....I CHOSE. 

I had that epiphany. I CHOSE to live in FEAR and JEALOUSY!  No one forced me. God didn't take things away from me.. I CHOSE. 

So, I knew that IF I were to move on not only in life, but my spiritual growth, I had to let go of the FEAR and JEALOUSY that had become a familiar best friend. One that I could always count on to "step up" for me when I needed an excuse or blame for my thoughts and feelings.  I could always cry out and say "this is NOT fair!!"  and blame God or others or my circumstances.

WHEW....

So, in 1987 ish...I began the process of letting go of fear and jealousy! Over the years, I have seen the Lord move in mighty ways in my life. SO 25 years later in 2012 , though those thoughts CREEP back into my mind every so often, I see that they are becoming less and less and I TRUST more and more. I actually recognize the FEAR when it comes up and more than not, I put it to bed! RIGHT THEN!
 My two best friends now are TRUST and CONTENTMENT. I have learned and seen that GOD IS MY PROVIDER and I CAN TRUST HIM for my every need. I am CONTENT with the lifestyle we LIVE because our boys needs are MORE IMPORTANT than THINGS. I would rather spend my money on OTHERS than myself. Even if our boys didn't have these medical needs, our money would go to help others instead of helping ourselves.

I can HONESTLY say that. I AM CONTENT. I HAVE TRUST. 

FEAR and JEALOUSY keep knocking on the door of my heart, but I just have to say goodbye to them OVER AND OVER AGAIN until they leave. They are not coming around much anymore and I look forward to the day when the don't come AT ALL!

Hebrews 13:5
Let your character be free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,"